The First Time

     Everyone has that awkward story of how they first lost their virginity.  In my case, I do literally mean lost.

     I don't remember my first time.  That doesn't mean that I don't have a story though.  Ironically enough he could have been my first sugar daddy.  He could still be if I choose to pursue/initiate it, but I can't force myself to do that because every time I so much as see his name show up on my phone screen an impending sense of doom fills me; do I answer it?  Every time I see him I am filled with regret and disbelief that this happened to me.
     I've had friends who were taken advantage of, and I was there with them to hold their head and insist that they report the vile creature who did this.  But they never do.  Mostly because the situation isn't as clear cut as they would need it to be in order to report someone.  The stories you hear and read about, about rape on campus, are the ones that will elicit the strongest response, not the ones that leave the reader confused and not sure how they should feel.  This is why the number of reported sexual assaults is so much lower than the actual number.
     For my sanity, I can't say that I was raped- it took me a few days to even say that word out loud.  I can't allow myself to be a statistic, one of those girls my mother always warned me about, or effected so deeply that I can't get close to anyone again.  The line between consensual and rape is a very, very thin line, so much so that I've crossed over and come back multiple times.  It helps that I didn't just wake up in an alley, naked, with no memory of the night before, but like I said, this was not a mutually agreed upon action.
     I always thought that once I had sex for the first time, that I would go crazy after that and have a long list of one night stands, mostly because I tend not to get attached and I figured that sex and love were not mutually exclusive, but I realize now that I can't do that because I would wake up the next morning feeling dirty and bad about myself.
     I'm still in this weird stage where I don't know what to think about the situation and consequently, my life.  I know that it is something I will never get over, but I also know that only I can decide how deeply I allow this to effect myself.  The best thing I can do is to rationalize it to the best of my abilities, adapt, and then move on.