So last night I was having a great time at a friend's party... and then I found out the guy who took my virginity was there. I freaked out and started guzzling any handle I could get my hands on. Let's just say that things got a little fuzzy and next thing I knew, he was on top of me. Afterwards I was freaking out even more than when I found out he was at the same party as me. I walked to a friend's apartment, and the whole way there shook uncontrollably as I nearly broke down into a complete heap of tears. I can't tell anyone because of how embarrassed I am, and the fact that I don't want people to know this about me. I just want this ordeal to be over and to move on and never have to see him again. Somehow he keeps showing up in my life and bringing all of that fear, regret, and shame surging to the surface. I thought I had a good handle on my life and was pretty much over that whole situation, but after this, I realize I really need to start acting like a rational adult and stop making all of these mistakes. That's pretty obvious and you'd think it would be fairly simple, but nope I keep fucking up.
By not talking about this whole incident I hope I can repress it and be the person I was before I got so derailed by certain incidents in my life. I'll just try to keep on learning from these mistakes in order to prevent them from happening ever again, and also not let it affect me.
I am so ashamed and have no one to blame but myself.
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Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time. -Tallulah Bankhead
1 comment:
Hi Cupcakes...it's ContentSB from the SA blog...which is obviously how I ran across your blog :)
I just wanted to say that I know what it's like to repress something, and it usually resurfaces. I really hope you have someone to talk to because it can be quite therapeutic. Also don't be too hard on yourself. We've all made mistakes, especially when alcohol is involved. I have a few of my own drunken (and sober for that matter) decisions I'd take back in a heartbeat if I could!
Most importantly, you can still be the person you want to be. Don't let anybody, or any circumstance, get the best of you. I think becoming our best selves is a constant journey, and the mistakes of our pasts can help shape our better futures if we learn from them correctly. I have all the faith in the world that you can do this!
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