Sweet or Sour?

      Originally when I decided to be a sugar baby, I had the idea that I would only pursue platonic relationships.  A dinner here, a cheque there, a pair of louboutins followed by a champagne toast, me as arm candy and perhaps a worthy conversationalist.  Things never end up the way you think they will.  I knew the majority of relationships spent part of the arrangement in the bedroom, it just wasn't something I thought I would be comfortable doing.  I never thought I would be ok with being with a married man, let alone entering into any arrangement where money and intimacy are exchanged.  Although I have yet to actually break this rule, I find myself edging closer and closer to it and I'm not sure if I would say closer to being 'ok' with it, but getting closer to accepting it.

I've always been a skeptic when it comes to marriage and commitment, though I have no reason to do so, and have always thought it is silly to believe that your significant other will be faithful to your monogamous relationship.  Yet it was not until I actually joined a site and started talking to people who have been on both sides that I realized the reality of my skepticism.  It is one thing to say you believe something, and another to actually enact it.

Perhaps I am actually a romantic at heart? 

I want the type of relationship that I have only seen a few couples share.  It is committed, it is loving, it is based on communication and a mutual respect, and it works.  Both parties are happy and never find themselves asking what if or with wandering thoughts.This is the ideal relationship, and that is what makes it so difficult to not only find but to hold onto.  I know it is a possibility, but a very small one and I wonder if my skepticism of marriage is actually the manifestation of my worry/belief that I won't be able to find the type of ideal relationship and will have to settle and resign to a relationship where the man strays and finds solace in the arms of another.

     Although I think prostitution should be legal, I'm not sure I could ever do it, emotionally, unless it was a necessity.  I'm not equating the sugar bowl with prostitution, but it is a little too close to that line for comfort.  As a rational human being, I can try to rationalize that the money or gifts I'm receiving are to ensure that I have enough time to spend with my sugar daddy and don't have to stress about a job, but I think deep down I would think he was just paying for sex.  The best way I've heard a sugar relationship described, is as one with "few strings attached."  This means that it is not emotionless, or else it would be the same as prostitution or escorting, but it is also not a relationship, and has no intentions of ever headed there, because the man is already married, or for whatever reason.  Few strings attached means that when either party wants to end the arrangement, both sides will politely say their good byes and go their separate ways.  If both parties are able to do that, just end it, it seems closer to no strings attached, because to me, relationships, emotions, strings, whatever you want to call them, are messy.  You can't just cut strings like that unless they are not there in the first place.  So I suppose I'm still a bit lost as to how most SBs rationalize this.  Maybe if I find that type of relationship I will be able to understand better, but I truly would like to know how individuals see these types of relationships.  Perhaps it is because I am still not fully part of the sugar bowl, and so I have an outsiders view, that sugar dating is essentially prostitution or gold digging, as I have so often heard it described.  

     I've always thought of myself as an unfeeling person, one who could have sex just for the fun of it, without any emotional strings or expectations.  And although I am able to have essentially one night stands, I find myself feeling bad the next morning.  I feel dirty, used, embarrassed.  I am not sure why, when I wasn't raised in a conservative household, and have always thought emotionless sex would be not only fine, but fun, that I feel this way.  Have I internalized societal norms?  Or am I more of a romantic than I thought?

"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."  - Marilyn Monroe

As much as I agree with this quote, I can't help but feel rather saddened by it.  I want to believe that love and intimacy are to be cherished and valued, not used as tools to get what you want.  But those are words of romantics who reside somewhere other than reality.  Love is perhaps the shiny wrapping and pretty bow we put on lust to make ourselves seem more evolved, more human.  Or it is just chemical interactions.  Either way, I would be naive to believe that I live in a world filled with words that are anything more than just rhetoric.

Second Venture into the Sugar Bowl?

As of this morning, I am considering rejoining the land of sugar.  I've come to the realization that the world I thought I wanted, is not based in reality.  I don't enjoy playing games, and although as I've said I love the mental foreplay, to me a relationship is not a power struggle.  I like things to be clear from the beginning, which is the nice thing about sugar relationships.  The negative is that I'm not sure the attraction will be there especially if I know that it is purely a business relationship.  For me, sex does not equate romance.  Sex is sex and there aren't any emotions involved.  If I actually like the person the sex may be different than if I'm having NSA sex, but I don't need that connection to engage in coitus.  I like sex, but shhh don't tell anyone, I'm a girl and only supposed to have sex with my future husband when he wants it.  I love pleasing others, and sex is the epitome of pleasing someone.  I love being worshipped, and I love how vulnerable and open the other person must be with me.

I still have a couple months of school left, so perhaps it isn't the best time to reenter the sugar bowl, especially with finals coming up and then leaving for home once they're done, but I'm disappointed in the turnout of traditional relationships lately.  So maybe a break from them would be a good thing.

If only I looked like this during finals

Being the Dom.

I have come to realize that I have a little bit of a dominatrix side.  Those few instances where it has manifested itself have been, shall we say titillating?  I guess I didn't think of it as dominating or being the dominant to a submissive until someone made a comment connecting my experience and this label.

  I guess what I should say is that to me being the dom is all about being in control.  It's about you and doing what you want.  If the guy gets out of line, you push him back down and make him suffer by teasing him till he's about to explode.  It's about going all the way and right when you think he's going to lose it, he pulls you up so as to last longer.  It's making him have to consciously remove himself from you, physically.  It's about torturing him by smirking and giving him a moment to catch his breath, and then going back down to bring him back to that point.  It's about taking the lead, and giving him just enough cues that it doesn't sound like an instructional lesson, but that he can pick up on them and follow your lead.  It's all about the power, and that to me is the best feeling in being physically intimate.  That I am able to bend someone to my will and that their pleasure is directly connected to my actions.  That I am in complete control and get to choose what I do to him.  That he looks at me with those wide surprised eyes when I give him anything, especially when our bodies first graze one another till I leave him completely spent and exhausted.  I love that feeling of feeling his body against mine, the need and urgency in his touch.  How much he wants needs me.  So much so, that I can't remove his clothes fast enough and he rips them off himself.  How I can make him squirm at my touch and quiver as spasms of pleasure shoot through his body.  The way he wants to please me to thank me for what I've given him.  How he  wants to make me feel good, in order to transfer some of his own pleasure... but transferring it to me only makes him get more turned on.  How  he worries that since I've teased him this far, I may at any point stop and that would be agonizing for him and so he tries to make me feel the way I'm making him feel so I won't stop what I'm doing.
I love the feeling of being in control and putting my needs in front of his.  How doing what I want makes me happy, and yet it makes him even more so.  How thankful he is for getting to spend the night with me.