A Slight Mistake

     So last night I was having a great time at a friend's party... and then I found out the guy who took my virginity was there.  I freaked out and started guzzling any handle I could get my hands on.  Let's just say that things got a little fuzzy and next thing I knew, he was on top of me.  Afterwards I was freaking out even more than when I found out he was at the same party as me.  I walked to a friend's apartment, and the whole way there shook uncontrollably as I nearly broke down into a complete heap of tears.  I can't tell anyone because of how embarrassed I am, and the fact that I don't want people to know this about me.  I just want this ordeal to be over and to move on and never have to see him again.  Somehow he keeps showing up in my life and  bringing all of that fear, regret, and shame surging to the surface.  I thought I had a good handle on my life and was pretty much over that whole situation, but after this, I realize I really need to start acting like a rational adult and stop making all of these mistakes.  That's pretty obvious and you'd think it would be fairly simple, but nope I keep fucking up.
By not talking about this whole incident I hope I can repress it and be the person I was before I got so derailed by certain incidents in my life.  I'll just try to keep on learning from these mistakes in order to prevent them from happening ever again, and also not let it affect me.
I am so ashamed and have no one to blame but myself.

Fa La La La La

Dear Santa,

      Is this too much to ask for?  

No Babies

     Just last night I was thinking how I don't know anyone who has had a baby nor gotten pregnant in their teenage years.  As in been a teen mom.

"Teen mom is the best form of birth control"

Well today I found out that I do have a friend who falls into this category, she used a condom and it was with her boyfriend... somehow she still got pregnant.  She didn't tell anyone except her boyfriend, who thank God supported her in whatever she wanted to do, he was even willing to be kicked out of his house and support her and their child.  Luckily he didn't have to drop out of school.  She is pro-choice, and is even more steadfast in her beliefs after her situation.  No more zygote.  I am by no means saying this was/is an easy choice, it has got to be one of the most difficult decisions either way.  I am pro-choice, but if I was put into that situation, I don't know if I would be able to terminate the pregnancy.  I want to have many children, as many as I can raise properly.  And knowing that I could have already had a child would really fuck with my head.  I know it's all about how you look at it (when is it considered taking a life? at conception or birth) but I still don't know what my decision would be if I ever had to make one.  Lets hope that I never do.

No Rubba, No Hubba Hubba

Luckily, I will never be a teen mom.  Phew.  They should give out awards for making it through your teens without getting pregnant nor birthing a child.

Legit

Limitless

    "Limitless is basically about a guy who takes a huge dose of adderall."   Yup, I had the same thought.  And quite frankly after experiencing it for myself, I still stick to my previously stated opinion.  I just pulled my official all nighter.  I've stayed up till 6 in the morning, but I'll always get at least like an hours sleep.  This is the first night that I went through two full days.

     I can see why college kids are dying to get their hands on some, it is quite literally a wonder drug.  It really helped me, and kept my focus.  It also helps to motivate, like a lot.  So let's talk about the drug scene on campus, well specifically adderall.  It's seriously one of the easiest drugs to get your hands on illegally.  Right between alcohol and weed.  Everyone and their mother has a prescription for adderall.  Most of these kids don't need it, at least in my and any good psychiatrist's opinon, but I'm not going to address the Rx generation.  I have friends who sell 20 mg XR for $8 a pill and 2.5 mg IR for $3.  Those prices are for if you are a friend of theirs, if not, then add a couple more dollars.  When finals week comes around, prices sky rocket, why? Because they can get away with it.  Even people who have never taken it, are just itching to get a couple pills to help them ace their final.  Just because you take this little pill doesn't mean that you're gonna be a straight A student.  It just helps a bit, "mother's little helper."

I know people who have given a discount because of the sheer quantity some people were buying.  I also know that when you see an athlete who seems to have it all together... they're getting a little extra help, just not in the form of steroids.  

     Are these accusations true? Absolutely.  Are they rather ridiculous, yes absolutely.  If kids are feeling the pressure to do that well in college that they have to commit illegal acts, you know something is wrong with our system.

These are not candy, please don't treat them as such

Hot Sh*t: Tweetering

      I finally gave in to peer pressure and got a twitter.  And can I just say, I am obsessed.  I only wish that my innate talent for making witty remarks in under 140 characters was more appreciated by the general public. #twitterfamous
     I'm sure it's just the novelty of this new tech app and within the month week I'll be #overit.  But for now, this picture sums me up perfectly... except you know, I'm like way hotter, and a girl

#addicted

   
   

XOXO

      Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the lives of the college elite.  Spotted: new girl officially joining the movers and shaker's for drinks.

     By seeing what I have rejected (those whom I actually might surprisingly have more in common with than I thought) in this manner, I realize perhaps I judged them to harshly, or perhaps I'm turning into a snob.  Either way, I'm giving this another chance to disprove my previous notion about those with deep pockets.  It's nice to be able to share that side of myself that I have to keep hidden away from some of my other friends because of the lack of similar experience.  I think I would have to keep a different side of myself hidden if I were to only hang out with this group, so a combination of the two may prove to be more ideal.  Finding the golden mean is usually best.

A Minor Set Back

      I was supposed to start my journey into the sugar world weeks ago, however I've come across a minor set back.  My friend who was supposed to start this foray into the sugar world with me has been putting it off, and frankly I'm a little glad because it scares me to think that I'll be involved in this life.  But I made a promise to myself that I would commit to at least giving it a try this year and I fully intend to make good on that promise.

Is this what I'm supposed to be?

     I am going to try to set up my profile before my next break from school, winter break, however since that is only a month away and that month will be filled with papers, tests, and job applications.  My school work is more important, so if I have to choose between the two, setting up my profile or working on my schoolwork, I'll choose the later.

"The Most Expensive Drink is Free Alcohol"

      Truer words were never spoken.

The First Time

     Everyone has that awkward story of how they first lost their virginity.  In my case, I do literally mean lost.

     I don't remember my first time.  That doesn't mean that I don't have a story though.  Ironically enough he could have been my first sugar daddy.  He could still be if I choose to pursue/initiate it, but I can't force myself to do that because every time I so much as see his name show up on my phone screen an impending sense of doom fills me; do I answer it?  Every time I see him I am filled with regret and disbelief that this happened to me.
     I've had friends who were taken advantage of, and I was there with them to hold their head and insist that they report the vile creature who did this.  But they never do.  Mostly because the situation isn't as clear cut as they would need it to be in order to report someone.  The stories you hear and read about, about rape on campus, are the ones that will elicit the strongest response, not the ones that leave the reader confused and not sure how they should feel.  This is why the number of reported sexual assaults is so much lower than the actual number.
     For my sanity, I can't say that I was raped- it took me a few days to even say that word out loud.  I can't allow myself to be a statistic, one of those girls my mother always warned me about, or effected so deeply that I can't get close to anyone again.  The line between consensual and rape is a very, very thin line, so much so that I've crossed over and come back multiple times.  It helps that I didn't just wake up in an alley, naked, with no memory of the night before, but like I said, this was not a mutually agreed upon action.
     I always thought that once I had sex for the first time, that I would go crazy after that and have a long list of one night stands, mostly because I tend not to get attached and I figured that sex and love were not mutually exclusive, but I realize now that I can't do that because I would wake up the next morning feeling dirty and bad about myself.
     I'm still in this weird stage where I don't know what to think about the situation and consequently, my life.  I know that it is something I will never get over, but I also know that only I can decide how deeply I allow this to effect myself.  The best thing I can do is to rationalize it to the best of my abilities, adapt, and then move on.
 

The Sugar Bowl

     Sugar dating and relationships in which monetary gain is exchanged for companionship have been around since humans formed communities to live with one another.  They have also been considered taboo for just as long.  Every culture has a history of relationships like this, and many (if not all) have contemporary examples as well.
     I want to be clear that even though I firmly believe that prostitution should be legal, sugar dating is NOT prostitution.  I have no intention of sleeping with the men I "date" in this context, however I also know that situations and morales change and adapt.  I am not against it, I just personally cannot see myself being ok with exchanging money for intimacy (unless out of sheer desperation).

Welcome to the Sugar Bowl

      I have chosen a prominent sugar dating website to start my adventures in candyland.  I have yet to make my profile, but that's this weekends task.  Since there's multiple potential sugar babies for every one potential sugar daddy, I need to make myself stand out somehow.  So what qualities do I bring to the relationship that others don't?  I feel like I'm applying to college all over again, except looks figure prominently into the equation and you have a much shorter word limit.  So what makes me special?
     Any kind of self promotion is difficult, so how do I know how much is overboard and how much is not enough?

Sugar Baby

     As a college student, I know the value of the dollar.  I grew up in an affluent household with caring and understanding parents.  You can say I had a pretty charmed life.  I am lucky enough to be able to graduate debt free, thanks to my parents paying for everything.  They have also given me a significant monthly spending allowance and forbade me from getting a job.  This sounds ideal, but in reality everything isn't peaches 'n cream.  For reasons I won't specify, my parents owe a sum of money this month that has caused them great financial stress because they don't have the money on hand.
     My parents made a large investment a few years ago when the economy had just started to go downhill and they did not believe it would last this long, it was also something my father had always wanted and he therefore could not resist.  Three years later and the economy has not improved.  Since signing that contract, my father has been unable to get a good nights sleep and go a day without stress over our financial situation.  My father is older and although he is in great physical shape, stress can really wear a person down.  I love my father and want to be able to spend as much of my life as possible with him still around.    My parent's have made sure to reassure me that we are doing fine financially, but we are currently "cash poor" this means that our money is tied up in investments.  In order to pay off the money they owe this month, my father had to sell some stocks that his father gave him.  Stocks in the company that his father created for him and his siblings.
     I want to take the burden off of his shoulders, but in the limited time frame and lack of information on the situation I would not have been able to raise enough money unless I had sold all of my organs and more.  I tried to be frugal with my spending, but everyone knows that isn't enough.
     At this point I have missed the deadline to raise enough money, but that doesn't mean I can't help alleviate the financial stress my parents might feel in the future, nor does it mean that I can't help by paying for my own education.  Someday I want to be the majority shareholder of my grandfather's company and buy back the stocks my father had to sell in order to pay for his dream.  This is why I have poured my heart out to a dear friend and she (for her own reasons) and I have decided to do something that I have been half-heartedly considering for a long time now: "dating" men for money.

Sugar so sweet

   

Sweet Tooth

      Here's a peek into my world, a little sweet treat for those who are craving a little sugar.  As I am starting a life built on secrecy and discretion, the number of people I can talk to about this particular aspect of my life has dwindled significantly.  In an effort to preserve my sanity, I'm starting this blog in hopes that it helps me work through the sweet and sour aspects of life (past, present, and future).

"Happiness is a warm gun cupcake"

     I know life isn't always gumdrops and rainbows, but that's what makes it an adventure.  Cheers to a life filled with sugar and spice